Goodbye, Jagr’s Hair

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of salad, it was the age unkempt mop-heads, it was was the epoch of mullets, it was the epoch of receding hair lines, it was the season of volume, it was the season of thinness, it was the spring of hockey hair, it was the winter of balding.

Through it all, Jaromir Jagr stood proudly.

Much has been said of Jaromir Jagr since he was waived by the Calgary Flames in late January, spelling an end to the legendary Czech winger’s NHL career. Much has been said about his legacy, the impact he has had on the league, and the unprecedented nature of his accomplishments.

Unfortunately, Jagr’s hair has not gotten its proper send off. Now I know, just because Jagr is returning to the Czech Republic to finish his career does not mean he has to shave his hair. However, there’s no doubt that for those of us in North America, Jagr’s glorious mane will no longer be the figure in our lives that it used to be. No longer can we tune in to the night’s game just to get a peak of his curly locks flowing out of the back of his bucket. No longer can we stare in awe as he foregoes his helmet during warmups to give the world a 360 degree view of his do.

Though no words can fill the hole that has been left, those of us to whom Jagr’s hair played a significant role in our lives need some closure. I’d like to write a few words to provide just a little bit of this closure.

Jagr came to North America during a time when hair wasn’t sure what it was. The big hair of the 1980’s was giving way to the unruly grunge styles of the 1990’s. These two looks were seemingly at odds with one another. Alternative grunge looks were an antithesis to the big mainstream party hair that had been popularized in the previous decade. With these two ships passing in the night, many were frozen and unsure what to do with the soft follicles that sat atop their head.

And then there was Jagr.

Whatever molds that had developed, whatever sides people were supposed to choose, Jagr broke them all and rose above the rest of the pack. Sure, the mullet was not a new look. The style gained a cult following among many teenagers and young adults throughout the 1980’s. Regardless, in a time where many did not know who they were, let alone how to project who they were onto their hairstyles, Jagr knew exactly who he was. Jagr was special, electrifying, exciting, unique, and he knew that with his God-given attributes, the mullet would be the best way to express this.

Yet Jagr did not stop once he simply found himself. No, he constantly sought to perfect what he had, tweaking and adapting without hesitation whenever he found areas where he had not reached his full potential. I chronicled these changes in my 2,500 word magnum opus on the development of Jagr’s hair throughout his career. Jagr’s hair was like the evolution of the natural world into a beautiful realm where life could thrive, yet Jagr himself acted as an intelligent designer, picking and choosing necessary adaptations instead of waiting for them to develop through trial and error.

Like Jagr himself, his hair never faded, never slunk back to quietly live out its days in a receding hairline. During the second half of his career, the mullet did indeed have periods of absence, yet it always returned in force. Even in the darkest of times, when it seemed like the clock had struck midnight and the golden carriage that was Jagr’s flow had reverted to a modestly trimmed pumpkin, the mullet scrapped and clawed and found its way back atop the magnificent Czech’s head.

And now it is has left us, returned to Europe where we in North America will be stuck with only passing glimpses of it. For the most part, we will see Jagr’s hair only when we close our eyes at night and reminisce about brighter days.

Yet Jagr’s hair is not gone. Its legacy will echo through eternity and continue to impact our lives. When a high schooler from Minnesota becomes a national icon after he removes his helmet to reveal a flowing mullet, we will see Jaromir Jagr. When a playoff hero shaves racing stripes into the side of his head to direct our attention to the party in the back, we will see Jaromir Jagr. Whenever we are moved, captivated, and inspired by the locks of our generation’s icons, we will see Jaromir Jagr. Yes, until the end of days, we will see Jaromir Jagr and the hair the captivated a continent.

I, Vince McMahon, Propose a Hockey Version of the XFL

The year is 2021, and I am Vince McMahon. Despite the XFL season ending in a thrilling championship QB duel between Robert Griffin III and Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson, ratings for the league simply were not high enough to justify continuing operations for another year.

My white whale continues to be expanding my wings beyond wrestling and creating a marketable team sports league that can compete with the Goliaths. Despite my past failures, I feel driven to continue the hunt. I have just become informed of a sport that is said to be the fastest on Earth. A sport where the players supposedly wear blades attached to their feet. A sport where bare-knuckle fist fights are not just commonplace, but are encouraged. A sport whose main league is so poorly marketed and mismanaged, even I may be able to compete. This sport, known as “hockey,” will be my next endeavor.

Hockey’s premiere league, “the National Hockey League,” attracts the world’s most exciting and electrifying talents. To compete, my league will have to offer attractions that the NHL does not. To do this, I have proposed some changes to the game that my league will make to maximize hockey’s appeal to the common fan.

Old Fashioned Goalie Masks

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The goalie masks of the modern era are an eye sore. Sure, they offer a blank canvas for artists to create a masterpiece. Sure, they protect goaltenders from potentially life threatening head trauma. But the twisted metal and various colors cause sensory overload. I want my players to be equipped with trappings that elicit excitement. What’s more exciting than movies? Goalies in my league will wear the beautiful masks of hockey’s simpler days that will make fans feel like they’re watching a game and the hit Hollywood blockbuster, Friday the 13th all at once. That’s two sources of entertainment for the price of one, for the folks counting at home.

High Stakes Ref Fights to Dispute Penalty Calls

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One of the first aspects of hockey that caught my eye was the sport’s liberal regulation of fighting. While this adds violence, intensity, and intrigue, I think the concept can be expanded upon. I could not help but notice that the NHL goes out of its way to prevent players from attacking referees. This gives refs astoundingly little accountability for the calls they make. To add accountability and justice to the game’s officiating, I plan to allow players to fight referees if they dispute a call. However, the players must be held accountable as well. There must be a punishment for losing a fight to an official. If you are rag-dolled by one of the zebras, you must play the remainder of the game without skates. Thus, players will be forced to think long and hard before violently disputing a call, as they risk being forced to shuffle around the rink for the rest of the night like a new-born deer on a frozen pond.

No more Plexiglas

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When I first became aware of the sport of hockey, I wondered how fans would be protected from rogue pucks and flying equipment. Fortunately, the great minds of hockey’s past have accounted for this, creating a system wherein Plexiglas is placed around the perimeter of the rink to protect fans from objects that are ejected from the playing surface. However, in doing so, these minds missed out on a tremendous opportunity that I plan to capitalize on. One of the basest human instincts is an infatuation with shattering. Whether it’s an ornate vase, dad’s favorite coffee mug, or just a simple dinner plate, any time a human being sees an object that appears fragile, he immediately feels the urge to shatter it. To appeal to this instinct, I’m getting rid of all Plexiglas and replacing it with old fashioned, normal, shatterable glass. As players slam through the glass at extremely high speeds and risk severe bodily harm and potential life-threatening gashes, fans get to feel the unmatched rush of watching glass shatter into smithereens.

Divisional Restructuring

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The NHL’s divisional structure is confusing and counter intuitive. Atlantic?Pacific? Central? Metropolitan? Is this a sports league or the regional makeup of high school glee club? There’s only one thing sports fans love more than sports, and that’s their country. For that reason, my hockey league will have just two divisions: the Canada Division and the United States of America Division. Every season, national pride will be at stake. It’s tough not to choose a side if refusing to do-so could result in public shaming for being unpatriotic. Players will flock from around the globe to determine who’s the real boss in North America, while fans will be filled with the bitter passion of geopolitical rivalry in addition to loyalty to their teams.

Championship Battle for the 49th Parallel

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People often refer to the Stanley Cup as “the best trophy in sports.” To me, it’s a snooze fest. It’s just a big clunky shiny metal container that serves no real purpose. It might as well be a giant travel mug that you bought at the dollar store. I want my championship to have higher stakes than determining who gets to lug around some hunk of junk for a year. To accomplish this, I will front the money to purchase a sizable landmass on the border of Montana and Saskatchewan. Instead of a trophy, the league’s winner claims this landmass for their country. Many sports are often described as territorial battles, but my hockey league will be the first to become an actual territorial battle to determine whether a real territory is part of Canada or the United States of America. If that’s not intrigue, I don’t know what is.

Mike Milbury Beating a Guy with a Shoe

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I present this as my final idea because I am not sure how to specifically implement this into my league. All I know is that it needs to be included. Mike Milbury charging into the stands of Madison Square Garden and bludgeoning a fan with his own shoe was clearly the greatest moment in National Hockey League history. It had everything you could ask for: fan engagement, violence, and even a hint of fashion (Milbury would never assault a man using an ugly shoe). Somehow, this moment has to be rekindled. Whether that means signing Milbury as a player, making him a coach, or having him parachute into the arena during certain games to choose a lucky fan to tango with, I do not know. Me and my people will work on the perfect way to recapture the magic of one of sports most perfect moments.

Is Pregame Sheep Slaughter Covered Under the Umbrella of the NHL Rule Book?

As many in the hockey world are already aware of, Barys Astana, a KHL team based out of Kazakhstan, recently slaughtered a sheep on its home ice before a practice.

There’s no doubt that this is a savvy move. It’s well documented that hockey players are a superstitious bunch. From pregame routines, to consuming specific food and drink, to arriving at the rink at a specific time, hockey guys will do whatever it takes to get the universe working in their favor. However, when you’re in a position like Barys Astana, riding a 5 game losing streak and sitting at 10th in your conference, the question becomes not whether your superstitions have been effective, but what additional superstitions will it take to turn the tide. With the season in full swing and the playoffs fast approaching, there’s no time to lose. You can either beat around the bush by using new equipment and switching up your pregame drills, or go all in and slaughter a grown mammal on the ice. The last thing you want is to find yourself wondering what could have been at the end of the season. Hockey is a game of commitment, and nothing screams commitment like a ritualistic Kazakh animal sacrifice.

The NHL has always been a copycat league. Now half way through the season, teams on the outside of the playoff picture looking in will inevitably become more and more desperate. Now that Barys Astana has broken the glass ceiling and introduced sheep slaughter to the hockey world, it’s quite possible that a desperate NHL team may follow suit in an attempt to vault themselves into playoff relevance.

Regardless of this strategy’s effectiveness from the standpoint of the individual team, the NHL as a league cannot allow this to become a common practice. In a league that is constantly striving to find new ways to increase its popularity and relevance worldwide, the popularization of animal sacrifice would be a PR disaster. Sports is a family industry, and most folks aren’t going to take their kids to the rink with the looming possibility that they’ll be exposed to grotesque butchery. It just doesn’t sell.

The looming question is whether or not the NHL rule book in its current state gives the league and its officials the power to prevent pregame animal slaughter. To solve this, I’ve poured through the NHL rule book and picked out a few pieces of language that may give officials the power to enforce a “no-sacrifice” policy. This way, the league will not have to jump through the bureaucratic hoops that it would take to add specific language outlawing live animal sacrifice.

Rule 8.3-Blood

A player who is bleeding or who has visible blood on his equipment or body shall be ruled off the ice at the next stoppage of play. Such player shall not be permitted to return to play until the bleeding has been stopped and the cut or abrasion covered (if necessary). It is required that any affected equipment and/or uniform be properly decontaminated or exchanged.

The easiest way for the league to punish a team that commits on-ice animal slaughter is to start with its blood policy. If the ice is not properly cleaned and decontaminated following the sacrifice, the league has clearly defined grounds to take action. Unfortunately, this rule does not give the league any power if the team committing the sheep sacrifice takes scrupulous measures to ensure the ice is properly taken care of following the deed. However, the rule at least sets a precedent that teams which attempt such an act will be held under scrutiny.

Rule 53.5-Throwing Equipment: Match Penalty

If a player attempts to or deliberately injures an opponent by throwing a stick or any other object or piece of equipment at an opposing player, Coach or non-playing club person, he shall be assessed a match penalty. If injury results from the thrown object, a match penalty must be assessed for deliberate injury of an opponent.

The rule book never defines whether a “non-playing club person” must be a human. Therefore, the league may be able to argue that a sheep (and any other animal intended to be used for sacrifice) falls under this category. Under these grounds, the NHL would be able to assess a match penalty to any player who carries out a sacrifice on the ice. A ceremonial knife clearly falls under the category of “any other object or piece of equipment” and, in my opinion, having your throat cut and bleeding out on the ice in the name of tradition qualifies as an injury. The one loophole is that this rule would only prevent players from conducting the sacrifice, as it does not include any language that allows the league to punish coaches, fans, or other team personnel who commit such an act.

Rule 63.4-Objects Thrown on Ice

In the event that objects are thrown on
the ice that interfere with the progress of the game, the Referee shall blow the whistle and stop the play and the puck shall be faced-off at a face-off spot in the zone nearest to the spot where play is stopped. When objects are thrown on the ice during a stoppage in play, including after the scoring of a goal, the Referee shall have announced over the public address system that any further occurrences will result in a bench minor penalty being assessed to the home Team.

If a sheep doesn’t walk onto the ice under its own will, and is instead carried or led, this could constitute “throwing” as the term is not concretely defined in the rule book. Moreover, the debris that results from a sacrifice, such as entrails and wool, could potentially disrupt the progress of the game. Therefore, if a referee announces over the public address system that animal slaughter will result in a minor penalty, he then gives himself the power to assess a minor penalty for any sacrifices thereafter. One major flaw with enforcing this rule is that the pregame announcement banning animal sacrifice may in itself be unsettling and off-putting to fans. Moreover, this rule would only allow officials to dole out a minor penalty. Desperate teams may be willing to kill off one two minute penalty if it gives them the ability to kill off one sacrificial sheep.

Rule 75.1-Unsportsmanlike Conduct

Players and non-playing Club personnel are responsible for their conduct at all times and must endeavor to prevent disorderly conduct before, during or after the game, on or off the ice and any place in the rink. The Referees may
assess penalties to any of the above team personnel for failure to do so.

It wouldn’t take too much of a stretch to claim that ceremoniously cutting open a live animal on the ice could be described as “disorderly conduct.” This rule is quite open ended and therefore gives the officials the power to penalize a team for sacrificing a sheep if they deem that it was done in a disorderly manner. However, the open ended nature of this rule is a double edged sword, as it puts the call at the complete discretion of the referee. Sure, the referee could certainly choose to crack down on live sacrifice, but he could equally choose to turn the other cheek and would not be held accountable under the rule book.

Verdict

There is clearly existing language in the rule book that would allow the league to enforce a no-sacrifice policy. However, it is equally clear that the existing rules have an abundance of loopholes and loose ends that need to be tied up for such a policy to be strictly enforced. In the short term, the league can use its existing rules to prevent animal slaughter for the remainder of the season, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. At the end of the season, when league officials, ownership, and management have the time to meet up and discuss rule changes that will make the game more appealing to the consumer, they should strongly consider adding “prevention of pregame animal sacrifice” to the itinerary.

Will the Grinch Origin Story be the Darkest Children’s Movie of All Time?

Over the past couple decades, children’s movies that take on dark undertones have become more and more common. Pixar’s most recent release, Coco, explores the concept of death. Finding Nemo begins with Nemo’s mother being brutally slaughtered alongside hundreds of her unborn children. And we all know about Up’s lighthearted opening in which a miscarriage causes a marriage to fail, then when things seem to be getting patched up the wife gets sick and dies.

Despite the fact that plenty of children’s films have gone dark in the recent past, the recently announced Grinch origin story that’s slated to open next Christmas may top them all. At least conceptually, it seems to me that there is a zero percent chance that people are going to walk out of the theater feeling happy after this one.

The point of an origin story is to show us how a character got to where he is when we first see him in the original source material. Assuming this movie will do this, let’s look at where the Grinch is at the beginning of his original Dr. Seuss story.

The Grinch is an outcast, despised by everyone in Whoville so much that he has secluded himself atop a mountain where he spends his days brooding and despising everything. The only bit of affection he has is for his dog, and he displays this affection by mentally abusing him and treating him like a slave.

If we assume that this was the Grinch’s inherent nature, How the Grinch Stole Christmas becomes a feel good story. The spirit of Christmas turns this cold hearted creature into a loving and caring member of the community. However, this origin story throws a wrench in things. Now, it looks like the Grinch was once innocent, and was corrupted by the people of Whoville. I’d hate Christmas too if the people I heard singing Christmas songs every year were the ones who ran me out of town and made a song about how they wouldn’t touch me with a thirty nine and a half foot pole.

The reason that this movie might be the darkest of them all is the fact that things are going to start off good then somehow the Grinch is going to turn into the sick twisted creature we see at the beginning of How the Grinch Stole Christmas. All the movies I mentioned at the beginning start off depressing then  end up being a feel good story. In this one, the tagline, “he gets meaner,” basically gives away the plot of the entire movie. The Grinch is going to start off as an innocent lad, then be subjected to a 90 minute emotional battering where he ends up hating everyone and everything. Should be fun for the whole family!

Dick in a Box is a Better Christmas Song than All I Want for Christmas is You

Many believe our society has lost sight of the true meaning of Christmas; that the spirit of caring, giving, and generosity has been replaced by the celebration of materialistic desire. There is perhaps no greater evidence in support of this claim than the widespread popularity of Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas is You this time of year at the expense of carols that greater express the wholesome, traditional messages of the season. The greatest of these neglected songs is the Lonely Island’s ‘Dick in a Box’. All I Want for Christmas is You is a ballad of carnal desire. Meanwhile, Dick in a Box advocates for love, generosity, and open-mindedness, yet many do not even recognize its status as a Christmas song despite it directly stating “you know it’s Christmas.”

All I Want for Christmas is You centers on a single feeling: desire for a sexual prospect. To Mariah Carey, nothing except this individual’s affection could make Christmas worthwhile. She expresses no desire to spread love, no desire to be thankful for what she does have, no desire to embrace the joyfulness of the season unless she is wanted by this single person.

On the other hand, Dick in a Box is all about giving. The narrator has developed a deep emotional connection with the subject of the song, and wants to give her the physical gift that best captures his love for her. In doing-so, he rejects the materialistic notions our society has about gifts.

Not gonna get you a diamond ring
That sort of gift don’t mean anything
Not gonna get you a fancy car
Girl you gotta know you’re my shining star
Not gonna get you a house in the hills
A girl like you needs somethin real
Wanna get you somethin from the heart
Somethin special girl

The narrator knows he could get something with more monetary value than putting his own genitalia in a box. However, he feels that his genitalia best capture the emotions he would like to express. That is what gift giving, and Christmas, is all about. Using a physical object to express your intangible emotions about someone you love. The narrator even makes a point to mention that this demonstration of emotion is not limited to Christmas, and should be practiced every day of the year. Christmas, however, is a time where we can use the traditions of the season to help us hone in on our expression of feelings.

While all I Want for Christmas is You simply uses Christmas as yet another attempt at gaining the affection of a potential lover, Dick in a Box reminds us of the mindset we should all have around this time of year. It’s a time not just for giving, but also for effectively expressing to our loved ones why they mean so much to us.

How Alex Ovechkin’s Career has Mirrored that of Darth Vader, and what that Means Going Forward

If there’s two things that hold a lot of real estate in my brain, it’s Star Wars and hockey. With the Last Jedi coming out in just a matter of days and hockey season in full swing, it feels like I am spending every waking moment thinking about either dangles, snipes, and cellies or Midi-chlorians, lightsaber crystals, and the taxation disputes of the Galactic Republic. Because of my passion for both Star Wars and hockey, my thoughts on the two subjects can sometimes become fused. Most of the time, these thoughts are simply absurd and nonsensical. Would Jar Jar Binks play center or left wing? Would Jabba the Hutt wear one skate on the end of his tail, or multiple along his body to  help him slide across the ice? However, I recently came to an epiphany that may actually hold a great deal of value in term’s of evaluating a player’s body of work and how his career will pan out going forward. Alex Ovechkin’s career in the National Hockey League has greatly mimicked Darth Vader’s body of work both as a Jedi and as the apprentice of Galactic Emperor and Sith Lord Darth Sidious. I will now present the most striking similarities between these two figures, and what these similarities might indicate about Ovechkin’s future in the NHL.

Pedigree and Upbringing:

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Both Vader and Ovechkin were clearly destined for greatness starting at a young age. Ovechkin was primed to become a great athlete, as his mother was a two time Olympic gold medalist in basketball for the USSR. While Vader’s mother was a humble slave woman of Tatooine, he came from powerful stock as well. Many believe that Vader had no father, and was actually conceived by the force, making him a prime candidate to become a powerful force wielder when he came of age. For both Vader and Ovechkin, the potential that their pedigree provided them with was obvious early on. Ovechkin gained a reputation as a dominant junior hockey player in his home country of Russia, while Vader, then known as Anakin Skywalker, showed natural talent as a pod racer on Tatooine and even built his own protocol droid. These displays of natural ability made Skywalker and Ovechkin highly sought after commodities at a young age. Ovechkin was such a touted prospect that the Florida Panthers attempted to draft the young Russian a year before he was draft eligible, attempting to use leap years as a loophole that would make him old enough to be drafted. As we all know, this attempt failed and he was drafted the following season by the Washington Capitals. Similarly, Anakin showed so much potential that Qui-Gon Jinn vowed to train him without the consent of the Jedi Counsel. Much like Florida’s attempt to draft Ovechkin, this attempt was quite literally short lived, as Qui-Gon was soon slain at the hand of Darth Maul. Anakin then became apprentice to Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon’s former Padawan.

Media Perception:

Neither Vader nor Ovechkin have ever been media darlings. Both have been subject to some unwarranted or excessive criticism from public talking heads. Though a slew of former coaches, teammates, and players around the league vouch for Ovechkins passion and dedication to the game, Ovechkin is sometimes portrayed as a selfish, lazy teammate who is difficult to coach. Darth Vader was a valuable asset to the Jedi during much of the Clone Wars, and eventually killed the Emperor who had been plaguing the galaxy for years. Despite this, most in the media still describe Vader as the most iconic “villain” from the Star Wars Universe. Additionally, both Vader and Ovechkin are often falsely portrayed as chokers. Though Ovechkin has never made it past the second round of the playoffs, his career playoff statistics indicate that he is still an elite player in the postseason, and a large portion of the blame for his playoff failures goes to the teams he has had around him. Darth Vader’s most well know ability was being able to telekinetically choke his victims. However, as a master of the Force, Vader’s abilities extended far beyond that. Defining him by just one of his abilities creates a false narrative. Finally, both Vader and Ovechkin have gotten some media heat for supporting unpopular autocratic political figures, with Ovechkin being an outspoken advocate in favor of Russian President Vladimir Putin and Vader spending much of his career as the right hand man to the tyrannical Emperor Palpatine.

Style of Play

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Both Vader and Ovechkin use sheer power and brute force to dominate their opponents. When Vader boards the rebel ship at the end of Rogue One leading into a New Hope, the rebels know what’s coming their way. He doesn’t have any tricks in his back pocket. He just goes straight at them and slaughters the entire lot, kidnapping Princess Leia. This is similar to Ovechkin’s one timer from the left dot. Every goalie in the league knows it’s coming. Everyone in the stadium knows when the Caps are trying to set it up. But that doesn’t matter. Eventually Ovechkin’s gonna over power the goaltender and find pay-dirt. Vader and Ovechkin also tend to lead more through their actions on the front lines than through words and inspiring speeches. When the media questions Ovechkin’s leadership as the Capitals’ team captain, teammates often vouch that Ovechkin elevates the players around him through his effort, passion, and on-ice results. As an imperial military leader, Vader is a man of few words when he leads his troops into battle. Still, imperial soldiers are inspired by Vader’s presence as they know his power and battle prowess can be enough to turn the tide of war.

Looking Ahead

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If Alexander Ovechkin is truly following in the footsteps of Darth Vader, the future of his career is unclear. The culminating moment of Vader’s career was killing Darth Sidious and destroying the Sith. There are two ways to evaluate how Vader reached this achievement. To some, Vader was a Sith through and through who switched sides at the last possible moment to destroy the Emperor. Taking this point of view, it is easy to theorize that Ovechkin will follow suit by joining another team late in his career to finally achieve the ultimate goal of winning the Stanley Cup. However, others posit that Vader was always the Chosen One, and was thus always destined to destroy the Sith. His time spent on the Dark Side was essentially a long bump in the road to fulfilling his ultimate destiny of destroying the Sith and bringing balance to the Force. Under this point of view, perhaps Ovechkin’s destiny has always been to win a Stanley Cup with the Capitals. Perhaps eventually he will achieve his ultimate goal with the only team he has ever been a part of, and in the end the slew of playoff disappointments will be viewed as mere obstacles leading up to his career’s defining moment. Only time will tell.

 

Jaromir Jagr Has my FULL Attention After his First Goal as a Flame

This isn’t going to be as in depth as my usual work, but given the recent developments that have led me to becoming the internet’s leading expert on Jaromir Jagr’s hair, I would be remiss if I did not offer a reaction to his first goal as a Calgary Flame.

First thing’s first, look at this absolutely beautiful visual.

Jagr is legitimately old enough to be Johnny Hockey’s father. By the time Gaudreau was born, Jags had already won two Stanley Cups. More importantly, 1993, the year Gaudreau was born, was also the year Jagr’s mullet reached peak form. Coincidence? Maybe. But if you’ve read anything I’ve written on here, you probably realize that I don’t buy in to the whole notion of “coincidences.” There’s some chance, albeit a small one, that the existence of Johnny Hockey is some how tied in with the cosmic energy that created Jagr’s mullet. If this were the case, perhaps Jagr’s close proximity to Gaudreau in Calgary will allow his hair to see a full return to glory.

Which brings me to the heart of what I would like to address today, because boy was his hair glorious.

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The phrase I’ve used to describe Jagr’s mullet when it was at its height of power is “Party in the front. Party in the back.” What I mean by this is you can view his hair from any angle, and all you can see is pure thrill, shock, and excitement. Obviously, the jury is still out on the front. I’d still like to see the front of Jagr’s hair regain some of the volume and bump that it had in the 1990s, but last night revealed next to nothing in that regard.

But let’s talk about the back.

This isn’t just a normal party in the back. This is a 1980s high school parents are out of town and the kids found out where they stashed all the liquor party in the back. The volume, the length, the movement, it’s all perfect. And you can tell from the above gif that Jagr knows it. He clearly took the salad for a little spin once he knew all the cameras were on him. It looks like Jagr was able to use the little bit of time off he got due to injury and got back to the laboratory with his mane. If you’re a Calgary Flames fan, you can’t help but be excited by this. I am here to declare that the hair we saw from Jagr last night is the best we’ve seen from him this millennium. Here’s hoping his play follows suit. Perhaps even more importantly, now that Jagr has shown that he can rekindle the magic in his flow, he may be capable of sculpting the front and giving his hair a 360 degree return to the spotlight.

Is Brent Burns a Government Created Witness Protection Alias?

The maiden voyage of this blog was a grand success. Exploring the ebbs and flows of Jagr’s mullet over the course of his career was a lot of fun, and people seemed to enjoy it as it made waves across hockey’s internet community. However, this success also brought a slew of doubts in to my own mind. Had I set the bar too high? How could I pivot from such a niche focus and create new, original content. I couldn’t just become the guy who looks at changes in players’ hair throughout their careers. That shtick would get old quickly. Despite this, something stuck out to me when I rediscovered the wildly popular ‘Evolution of Brent Burns’ picture that makes its way across hockey Twitter every now and then.

This is no common aging curve. There are plenty of expected changes that occur when people see a few too many winters. Maybe they grow a beard, maybe they change their hair and it becomes a bit more grizzled, maybe we start to see a few wrinkles creep their way onto their face. But the effects we see with Brent Burns are far more drastic than this. Every few years, it seems like Brent Burns morphs into a completely different human.

How does Burns’ appearance continuously shift so radically? Is he a natural anomaly? Is he hiding something? Well, I have come up with my own crackpot theory.

If possible, please play this as you read the remainder of this post:

Perhaps ‘Brent Burns’ is not one individual whose appearance mysteriously changes every few years. Perhaps multiple individuals have filled the role of Brent Burns throughout the entity’s NHL career.

How could this be possible, you may be wondering. Why on Earth would an NHL player be replaced with another individual under the same name? My explanation is that ‘Brent Burns’ is actually an alias created by the United States Federal Witness Protection Program.

The logistics are quite simple. When an individual enters Witness Protection and is able to check off the ‘some experience with the sport of hockey’ box of the application, the government may choose to enter him into the Brent Burns Program. The individual is then given training to learn to play a similar style to Burns. Once the new Brent Burns is ready, the existing one is dispatched of, or ‘burned’, hence the moniker ‘Burns’. Where the ‘Brent’ part of the name comes from is less clear, but I’d be willing to wager that the first two letters of the name stand for “Body replacement.”

Evidence toward this theory is admittedly sparse. This is to be expected, as the government would likely keep a program like this under heavy wraps. If the program was to be exposed, the National Hockey League, the sport of hockey, and the security of the United States could be jeopardized. In fact, I may be endangering myself by attempting to bring this conspiracy to the forefront.

However, since I am a man of the people, I am willing to risk this personal endangerment to expose the truth. The reality is that if you really put his career under the microscope, there is indeed some evidence that points to the existence of the Brent Burns Program. Burns has altered his style of play throughout his career as much as any player in the history of the NHL. We’ve seen Burns shift from defense to forward, and vice versa, multiple times in his career. Perhaps these were not coaches’ attempts to maximize Burns’ output and utility to the team, as they were broadcasted to be, but actually government mandated changes to account for new Brent Burns who were struggling to adapt to the playing style of the previous Burns. We’ve seen him go from a utility role player to one of the league’s elite defensemen. Was this due to the skill development that comes with gaining experience at the game’s highest level, or an existing Brent Burns being replaced by a more skilled Brent Burns? Moreover, Burns has had some injury-riddled stints throughout his career. It’s possible that Burns is simply an extremely resilient player, consistently coming back from injury to establish himself as one of the league’s top talents. However, it could be that during a few transitional periods between different Brent Burns, the government staged injuries to make the entry of a new Burns seem more plausible. If the hockey world caught wind of a change in Burns’ style of play, it could be easily chalked up to injury instead something deeper and more mysterious.

To add some personal touch to the Brent Burns Conspiracy, I have generated back stories for a few different individuals that I believe have each been a part of the Brent Burns Program. Though these backstories are mostly, if not entirely, products of my imagination, I believe that given my apt ability to judge books by their covers, they can be accepted as mostly accurate.

Brock Broderson (2005)

Brock Broderson appears to have been the first individual to spend a full season in the Brent Burns program. Interestingly, Broderson’s season in the NHL was not his first rodeo in the sporting world. The young Broderson was actually a rising star in the Southern California underground skateboarding community. Broderson was an innocent jock, simply joining the underground community to find a way to make some extra cash from his innate talent on the board. Unfortunately, as he rose up the ranks and began to establish himself as a legitimate force, he was exposed to the true corruption that went on behind the scenes. Brock began to realize that the mob was heavily invested in underground boarding. He was able to fly under the radar for a while, as the mob was only throwing the big money at the most important competitions. However, this came to an end when Brock entered the Underground Halfpipe Championship of the World. As a young rising star, Brock was heavily favored. The night before the culminating moment of his skateboarding career, he was approached by a mob boss and commanded to throw the event. Though not directly threatened, Brock knew what usually became of those who disobeyed the mob. Either through a sense of honor or the simple stubbornness of youth, Broderson refused. He won the event, took his winnings money, and began his life on the run. After a few months, the government was able to track him down and offered to enter him into the Burns Program in exchange for the inside scoop on all that he had seen and experienced during his life underground.

Derek McBride (2006)

Derek McBride saw humble beginnings in a small town in the Midwest. Once he reached high school, however, Derek became a big fish in a little pond, becoming the star player on the school’s hockey team and using his charm and devilish good looks to become the most popular kid in school. Perhaps it was this small taste of stardom that spurred him to drop everything after he graduated and move to Hollywood seeking fame. Unfortunately for Derek, life wouldn’t come as easy as it did for him in his quiet hometown. Living out of his car, Derek attempted failed audition after failed audition. Finally, at least Derek thought, his luck turned around. He was approached by a mysterious man who claimed he had a role for Derek, but for his own good he could not tell him the specifics. Derek knew the gig seemed shady, but needing money and still having a clinging desperation for fame, Derek decided to take the man up on his offer. Initially things seemed decent. Though he wasn’t sure what the scenes he was shooting were being used for, he was happy to have a steady gig and an income. Unfortunately, to his dismay, as Derek shot more and more scenes for this mysterious man, he got a clearer image of the project they were being used to produce. Derek McBride was assisting with the production of mafia training videos, contributing to America’s rampant organized crime epidemic. Though gripped with guilt and self loathing, McBride continued to shoot scenes for this mysterious man, fearing the repricussions if he was to back out. Fortunately for him, the government was able to track him down. As they did with the aforementioned Brock Broderson, the government offered to enter him into the Burns Program in exchange for information about the project he was helping produce. Seeing a ticket out of the cruel life he had been stuck in, McBride graciously accepted the offer.

Subject Zero (2008)

In my investigation into the existence of the Brent Burns Program, one participant stuck out to me as having the most captivating, intriguing, and overall baffling tenure as Brent Burns. I have coined this individual ‘Subject Zero.’ I was unable to collect any information regarding Subject Zero’s life prior to entering the Burns Program. He has a common look to him, so I assume he lived a somewhat common life. What he got into that required him to give up everything and join the Burns Program is beyond my knowledge. What stands out with Subject Zero is the shady and mysterious circumstances of his brief tenure in the Program. During the 2007-08 season, ‘Brent Burns’ signed a four year contract extension, his first contract after his rookie deal. This may have indicated that the trial period of the Burns Program was over. Pleased with the Program’s success, the government was ready to commit to continuing it for at least another four years. Thus, 2008-09 was the Program’s first full year of total government commitment. It did not go smoothly. Throughout the year, ‘Burns’ repeatedly shifted between defense and forward, struggling to find identity before missing the final portion of the season due to a concussion. The government may have been holding the Burns Program to a higher standard now that they had officially committed to it. The season ending concussion may have been Uncle Sam finally pulling the plug on Subject Zero, unhappy with his inability maintain a steady identity as Brent Burns and avoid arousing any suspicion surrounding the truth of the Program. Adding to the mystery is the assertion of Burns’ agent that the concussion had initially been misdiagnosed as sinusitis. Perhaps his agent knew there were fishy circumstances surrounding the injury, and made this claim as a way to wrap his head around all the confusion. Or perhaps he was less innocent, and made the claim at the behest of the government to throw the public off the scent of the truth. Regardless, Burns allegedly underwent offseason shoulder surgery after this roller coaster of a season, clearly marking the end of the Subject Zero experiment.

The Return of Derek McBride (2011)

I have previously mentioned that part of the Brent Burns Program involves dispatching of, or ‘burning’, the existing Brent Burns in order to make room for new entrants into the Program. My language was intentionally vague. The truth is, despite my extensive research, I do not know what happens once an individual is burned, where they go, and how their life carries on (if at all). I only know that once someone is burned, they disappear from the public eye. The only light that has been shed on what happens after a person is burned is the apparent reemergence of Derek McBride that occurred in 2011. Though it may seem like a relief to know that a replaced Brent Burns is not completely erased from existence, the possibilities remain chilling. If dispatched Brent Burns are not completely eliminated, what is happening to them? Where do they go? How do they disappear, and what set of circumstances calls for reemergence? Total elimination would be a gruesome practice, yet there is a certain comfort in the finality of it. Knowing that this is not the case creates a haunting sense of mystery as the mind is able to theorize an infinite array of grim possibilities.

Jason Wolfesblud (2013-Present)

Image result for brent burns the evolution continues

Jason Wolfesblud was a science experiment gone wrong. Obsessed with attempting to create the DNA makeup of a superhuman, a scientist had used Wolfesblud as a subject in his experiments to merge the DNA of a wolf and a human to create the most physically strong breed of humans to ever exist. No one knows why Wolfesblud agreed to become a human subject, but most believe that it is simply because he viewed himself as a fit on account of his last name. The experiments almost went too right, as the scientist was eventually able to create what was essentially a modern day werewolf. Initially, the scientist marveled at what he had created, but fear gripped him as he contemplated what could happen if this man/creature was turned loose upon society. Finally, he decided it would be best to turn him in to the government. Wanting to further observe the potential of Wolfesblud, the government decided to enter him into the Burns Program to observe his physical capabilities in the controlled environment of the NHL. It’s clear that these capabilities are massive, as Wolfesblud has established Brent Burns as an elite NHL defenseman, and his body of work includes a Norris Trophy in 2016. Wolfesblud has had a longer tenure as Brent Burns than any other participant in the Program. There could be a few different reasons for this. It’s possible that another individual who is suitable to enter the Brent Burns Program has simply not emerged in the last few years. Another possibility is that the government is so intrigued by Wolfesblud’s potential that they would rather observe him than pass the Brent Burns baton on to another qualified party. Perhaps Wolfesblud has given Brent Burns such a reputation that it is now impossible to replicate his on ice performance, and thus instating another Brent Burns would jeopardize the secrecy of the program. Whatever the reasoning, there’s one thing we know for certain: the man who takes the ice every night and wears number 88 for the San Jose Sharks is a government sponsored werewolf.

Conclusion:

As I said before, it is entirely possible that by bringing a top secret government program to light, I may be placing myself in danger. However, I have chosen to share my findings with you anyway. What you choose to do with this information is your choice and your’s only. I do not wish to undermine the accomplishments of the Brock Brodersons, Derek McBrides, Subject Zeroes, and Jason Wolfesbluds of the world. Rather, I simply want to demonstrate to people that things are not always as they seem. Secrets lurk around every corner, and seeking and acting upon the truth will eventually lead to greater fulfillment than the comfort zone of willful ignorance.

 

An In Depth Analysis of Jaromir Jagr’s Hair Over the Course of his NHL Career

The question is as old as hair itself. Do great men have great salads, or do great salads create great men? There is perhaps no better case study for analyzing this question than the great Jaromir Jagr. Jagr has amassed many an accomplishment over the course of his nearly three decades in the NHL: two Stanley Cups, a Hart Trophy, five Art Ross trophies, second all time in career points, and third in goals. However, perhaps his most iconic accomplishment has been his persistent dedication to maintaining one of the greatest heads of hair not just in the history of the NHL, but the history of mankind itself. With each passing milestone, the question weighs more and more: Does Jagr’s hair actually affect his talent on the ice? Have alterations to his hairstyle in turn affected his style of play? By poring through the archives and studying the correlation between Jagr’s hair and his on-ice success over the course of his career, I seek to explore this mysterious phenomenon.

I will not break down every single season Jagr has been in the league, as that would take me approximately 89 years due to the fact that, if my history knowledge does not fail me, Jagr has been playing hockey since Millard Filmore was President of the United States. Rather, I will focus in on a few specific seasons, being sure to highlight any key findings and major developments with regard to Jagr’s hair and associated on-ice results.

1990-91 (Pittsburgh Penguins) 80 Games Played, 27 Goals, 30 Assists

June 16, 1990 — NHL Draft

We’ve all heard the common saying associated with mullets. “Business in the front. Party in the back.” Well, Jags made it clear from the get-go that he was going to break this mold. This is top to bottom, 360 degree party. No business whatsoever. The way the hair flies around the front of his forehead clearly shows that Jagr was lending himself to shock and awe as opposed to the craftsman-like precision of a tighter mullet. This shock and awe found its way onto the ice, manifesting into an All Rookie Season that ended with the ultimate party: hoisting the Stanley Cup.

1991-92 (Pittsburgh Penguins) 70 Games Played, 32 Goals, 37 Assists

Image result for jaromir jagr 1991-92

As seen in the minor tweaks in the intricacies of his hair, Jagr was trying to hone in his game to avoid a sophomore slump. Rather than opting for the all-party grandeur of his rookie year style, Jagr decided to clean up the front side of the mullet, calling slightly more attention to the flow in the back. This was a sign of maturity from Jagr. Despite a decorated rookie season, he knew he would constantly have to improve upon himself in order to remain a leading force in the league. This tireless desire to make improvements even when change may not have seemed necessary earned him his first of many selections to the NHL All Star Game, and culminated in another Stanley Cup for the Penguins, Jagr, and his hair.

1992-93 (Pittsburgh Penguins) 81 Games Played, 34 Goals, 60 Assists

Image result for jaromir jagr 1992-93

It can easily be argued that in his third year as a pro, Jagr was finally able to perfect his already glorious mullet. While returning to the “party in the front” mantra of his rookie display, he grew out the back, thus also captivating the world with the flow he was able to put in the spotlight during his second season. It was clear that Jagr was done tweaking. He was in a full on pursuit of perfection across the board, combining the strengths of his two previous styles. Though for the first time as a pro Jagr did not end the year lifting the Stanley Cup, he was able to tally more goals and assists than in either of his first two seasons. Did finding perfection atop his head contribute in any way to reaching a new plane of individual success?

The Rest of the 1990s (Pittsburgh Penguins)

April 4, 1997

After finding perfection in the ’92-’93 season, Jagr seemed to have adopted the “if it’s not broke, don’t fix it” mindset for the remainder of the 1990s. With the exception of a few anomalies, such the short lived experiment with bangs from the ’93 season shown above, Jagr remained committed to maintaining a 360 degree party while letting his mane run wild. Some credit must be given to the then-young Jagr in this regard. Coming off back to back Stanley Cups and a historic President’s Trophy winning 1992-93 regular season, Jagr could easily have done something drastic after the Penguin’s stunning game 7 loss to the New York Islanders in the 1993 Patrick Division Finals. Instead, he maturely stayed the course, refusing to rashly throw away something he had worked so hard to perfect. This proved to be the right decision, as the 1990s was quite a decade for Jagr. Remaining committed to the mullet, Jagr won 3 Art Ross Trophies as the league’s leader in points, and in 1999 won the Hart Trophy as the league’s Most Valuable Player.

1999-2000 (Pittsburgh Penguins) 63 Games Played, 42 Goals, 56 Assists

Image result for jaromir jagr 1999-2000

Just prior to the turn of the millennium, Jagr stunned the hockey world by taking the shears to his now famous mullet, opting for a more conservative style. What possessed him to do this remains one of history’s greatest mysteries. Some have posited that it was at the behest of his girlfriend at the time, but this remains unconfirmed. An alternative theory that I have suggested is that Jagr feared that Y2K would render his blow dryer useless, and thus wanted to transition to a more manageable style before it was too late. Nevertheless, Jagr didn’t seem to lose his game when he lost his iconic look, as he went on to win his fourth Art Ross Trophy despite playing in only 63 games. Moreover, Y2K fortunately never came into fruition. Jagr’s blow dryer remained fully operational, and thus the possibility of a return to the mullet loomed.

2000-2001 (Pittsburgh Penguins) 81 Games Played, 52 Goals, 69 Assists

Image result for jaromir jagr 2000-01

In the summer of the year 2000, the hockey world waited with baited breath as Jagr was slated to play his first full year in the NHL without a mullet. Sure, he was just fine the previous season despite cutting it part  way into the year. But would this year be different? As the mullet became more of a distant memory, would the effects of its absence begin to truly weigh on him? Well, Jagr again closed the door on the doubters who were unsure if he could perform without his mane, putting together yet another Art Ross winning season. Memories of Jagr’s flow may have slowly been fading away, but he sure wasn’t.

2001-2002 (Washington Capitals) 69 Games Played, 31 Goals, 48 Assists

Jaromir Jagr

Much has been said about Jagr’s contentious stint with the Capitals after being traded by the Penguins to ease the team’s cap situation, then promptly signing what was at the time the biggest contract in the league’s history. Coming off of four consecutive Art Ross winning seasons, Jagr wasn’t able to put up the prolific numbers that he did with the Pens, and the Capitals were not performing at the level they expected to after signing the man widely known to be the league’s best player. Again, many explanations have been offered as to why Jagr struggled with the Caps. But I’m not here to summarize, I’m here to talk about Jagr’s hair. Jagr’s first two seasons of the post-mullet era seemed to debunk the theory that any of Jagr’s ability was tied up in his hair, but maybe it wasn’t that simple. Jagr flaunted his mullet around Pittsburgh for the better part of a decade. Even after he cut it, its remains had to have been dispersed throughout the city. Maybe a few stray hairs found their way into the water supply. Perhaps there were some muggy days where mullet residue evaporated into the air. Though the mullet was no longer on Jagr’s head, it was still ingrained into the fabric of the city. Perhaps during Jagr’s two prolific seasons after shaving it, he was still feeding off of its very-much present aura. Unfortunately, playing for a new team in a city with no traces of mullet magic, a bit of Jagr’s magic may have been lost as well.

2005-06 (New York Rangers) 82 Games Played, 54 Goals, 69 Assists 

April 9, 2006

After a disappointing stint in D.C., Jagr was traded to the Rangers before the 2004 trade deadline. After spending the 2004-05 season in the KHL due to the NHL lockout, Jagr returned to the Big Apple hoping to rejuvenate his career. An obvious attempt to regain his youthful dominance could have been bringing back the mullet, yet Jagr chose not to. Could Jagr have been aware that the world was ready to pounce on him and chalk up his past successes to his hair rather than himself? Did Jagr want to prove to the doubters, or even to himself, that his abilities belonged to him and not his mullet? If this was his intent, it was worth his while. Without the help of a luscious mane, Jagr put up a 123 point season, finishing second in MVP voting and setting a New York Rangers single season franchise record with 54 goals. Jagr continued to keep things short as he spent the next two seasons as the captain of the Rangers before departing to play in the KHL. It looked like the door was shut and the league  would never see his mullet again.

2011-12 (Philadelphia Flyers) 73 Games Played 19 Goals 35 Assists

Image result for jaromir jagr flyers

After a 3 year absence from the NHL, the world was clamoring to know if Jagr would bring his classic mullet with him upon his triumphant return to the big show. However, trying to establish himself as a more stoic veteran presence, Jagr went with a more modest cut. He put up a solid season for being three years removed from the game’s highest level, but as a fan you couldn’t help but notice something about Jagr. His hair was a bit more unruly than ever before, perhaps due to the indecision that had come along with trying to find his new identity in the league. Despite the fact that Jagr didn’t start his new era in the NHL with his mullet, one could not help but wonder if his search for identity would eventually lead him back to his roots.

2012-13 (Dallas Stars/Boston Bruins) 45 Games Played, 16 Goals, 19 Assists

This was the year that Jagr planted his flag atop the NHL and announced that his hair was once again a force to be reckoned with. Jagr began the year in Dallas. Initially, all was quiet on the follicle front. That is until Jagr was dealt to the Boston Bruins before the trade deadline. Now with a legitimate Stanley Cup contender, Jagr’s hair was no longer hiding in the shadows. In addition to growing out some salad in the back, Jagr styled the front a bit, giving it the most identity it had seen since his mullet days. And he didn’t just stick to the scalp. In a daring move, Jagr grew out his playoff beard and shaved it into a style that made him resemble a Civil War general. The leadership that this display put forth helped the veteran Jagr lead the Bruins all the way to the Stanley Cup Finals. Although the Bruins lost in 6 to the Chicago Blackhawks, the league now knew that even at age 40, Jagr could produce a head of hair capable of leading a team into the depths of the playoffs.

2015-16 (Florida Panthers) 79 Games Played, 27 Goals, 39 Assists

Image result for jaromir jagr florida panthers hair

After reaching the Cup Final with Boston, Jagr spent the better part of the next two seasons in New Jersey playing for the Devils. Despite a solid 2013-14 campaign, it was a relatively uneventful stint. Jagr reverted back to a more conservative look, and the Devils were never a legitimate playoff contender. However, the boredom ended when Jagr was dealt to the Florida Panthers prior to the 2015 trade deadline. The following summer, inspired by the youthful energy  of the team’s young core and egged on by veteran leaders such as goaltender Roberto Luongo, Jagr finally agreed to fully embrace bringing back his vintage mullet. The mullet lacked the definition and volume of its 1990s predecessor, yet the flowing curls still evoked shades of Jagr’s glory days. This season is one of the strongest pieces of evidence supporting the assertion that Jagr’s on ice success is somehow connected to the style of his hair. With the mullet gloriously flowing behind him, Jagr put together arguably his best season after returning from the KHL, and helped lead the upstart Panthers to the playoffs.

Present (Calgary Flames)

After a disappointing 2016-17 campaign with the Panthers and spending much of the offseason unsure if he would receive an offer from another team, Jagr signed with the Calgary Flames. Joining another upstart team with a young core, Jagr has kept the mullet in hopes of keeping up with the likes of Johnny Gaudreau and Sean Monahan. Unfortunately, Jagr has already hit a snag, being placed on IR with a lower-body injury. However, the injury is supposed to be short term, and Jagr has an opportunity to gain an extra step after he returns. Late in his career, Jagr is using the mullet to try and maintain his youth. There is still opportunity to improve upon this. If Jagr can experiment with products and styling to give the front of his hair a bit more volume and bump, he may be able to turn the clock back a few more years and bump his game up another notch. I know his hair may be thinner and less malleable than it was in his days of youth, but the potential is still there. Jagr has no lack of hair to work with, and advancements in hair-sculpting technology over the last 20 years may be able to get him where he wants to be. Party in the front. Party in the back.

Conclusion

Like his hair, Jagr’s career has seen many ebbs and flows. He’s had historically great seasons, and he’s had disappointing seasons. He’s seen fan bases turn on him from being a beloved hero to public enemy number one, and vice versa. He’s had mullets, he’s kept it tight, and he’s drawn inspiration from figures ranging from Billy-Ray Cyrus to Union General Ambrose Burnside. In the end, I have presented evidence that both supports and refutes the theory that Jagr’s hair is tied to his skill a la the biblical story of Samson and the lion. Both the hockey and the hair communities should continue to speculate upon this assertion, but one thing is certain: Jagr and his hair are a sight to behold, and every once in a while it would benefit everyone to just sit back and view this phenomenon with a sense of child-like wonder.