This isn’t going to be as in depth as my usual work, but given the recent developments that have led me to becoming the internet’s leading expert on Jaromir Jagr’s hair, I would be remiss if I did not offer a reaction to his first goal as a Calgary Flame.
First thing’s first, look at this absolutely beautiful visual.
Jagr is legitimately old enough to be Johnny Hockey’s father. By the time Gaudreau was born, Jags had already won two Stanley Cups. More importantly, 1993, the year Gaudreau was born, was also the year Jagr’s mullet reached peak form. Coincidence? Maybe. But if you’ve read anything I’ve written on here, you probably realize that I don’t buy in to the whole notion of “coincidences.” There’s some chance, albeit a small one, that the existence of Johnny Hockey is some how tied in with the cosmic energy that created Jagr’s mullet. If this were the case, perhaps Jagr’s close proximity to Gaudreau in Calgary will allow his hair to see a full return to glory.
Which brings me to the heart of what I would like to address today, because boy was his hair glorious.
The phrase I’ve used to describe Jagr’s mullet when it was at its height of power is “Party in the front. Party in the back.” What I mean by this is you can view his hair from any angle, and all you can see is pure thrill, shock, and excitement. Obviously, the jury is still out on the front. I’d still like to see the front of Jagr’s hair regain some of the volume and bump that it had in the 1990s, but last night revealed next to nothing in that regard.
But let’s talk about the back.
This isn’t just a normal party in the back. This is a 1980s high school parents are out of town and the kids found out where they stashed all the liquor party in the back. The volume, the length, the movement, it’s all perfect. And you can tell from the above gif that Jagr knows it. He clearly took the salad for a little spin once he knew all the cameras were on him. It looks like Jagr was able to use the little bit of time off he got due to injury and got back to the laboratory with his mane. If you’re a Calgary Flames fan, you can’t help but be excited by this. I am here to declare that the hair we saw from Jagr last night is the best we’ve seen from him this millennium. Here’s hoping his play follows suit. Perhaps even more importantly, now that Jagr has shown that he can rekindle the magic in his flow, he may be capable of sculpting the front and giving his hair a 360 degree return to the spotlight.